Et Tu Milton?
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory Vs. Milton. Who will win?


**Milton took off with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own Archer characters. Just some madness that entered my tiny little mind. **

**Et Tu Milton? **

"I hate it when Pam uses the Ladies' room!" Mallory grumbled as she left the bathroom. "Not only does she stink up the place, she has to spray paint all the stupid stalls."

She then realized she was being followed. She looked behind her. "Oh great. It's **you.** What do **you** want?"

To this Milton the Toaster machine popped out some toast.

"Great! Just great! As if there aren't already enough **useless** things around here…" Mallory grumbled as she turned and started to walk away.

She quickly realized by the sound of wheels on the carpet that Milton was following her. "Oh for…" She made a frustrated sound and kept walking.

And of course Milton kept following her.

"What? Why are you **following** me?" Mallory snapped as she turned around sharply. To this Milton made more toast. "I don't **want** toast! It's two in the afternoon! Who eats toast at **two **in the _afternoon_?"

Then Milton responded the only way he knew how. By making more toast.

"Why is there never a crowbar when you need one?" Mallory groaned.

To this Milton made more toast.

"Will you stop making toast?" Mallory shouted. "You're getting it on the carpet! I'd make a remark about getting ants but that ship sailed when some of Krieger's radioactive insects got loose in his lab the other day!"

Milton made more toast.

"Then again there are some things that **bug **me more than insects," Mallory felt a vein throb in her forehead. **"Go away!"**

Milton responded by making more toast.

"How the hell are you making so much toast?" Mallory snapped. "How much bread is **in** you?"

To this Milton responded by making more toast.

"You know the only reason I don't shoot you is that I don't want to waste money on bullets?" Mallory snapped. "Not that it matters with all the bread you're wasting!"

Milton responded by…You guessed it. Making more toast.

"Will you **stop** making toast?" Mallory snapped. "You're messing up the carpet!"

Milton made more toast.

"Fine! Make all the damn toast you want! Just stop following me!" Mallory snapped as she turned around and started to walk away.

Milton of course followed her. And made more toast.

"What? What do you **want?**" Mallory whirled around and shouted at Milton. "I don't want toast! Understand? None! Nada! Zip! NO TOAST!"

Milton made more toast.

"Keep it up, you copy machine reject!" Mallory shouted. "Don't think I won't sell you to a restaurant or something! Just keep it up!"

This time Milton didn't make any toast.

"Let me clarify something for you…" Mallory glared at Milton. "I am in charge around here! What I say goes! Got it? If I don't want any toast, you don't make me toast! Understand?"

Milton made more toast.

"I am having an argument with a **toaster,**" Mallory realized with a groan.

"And you're **losing,**" Ray quipped as he walked over.

"Gillette! Get this thing away from me!" Mallory pointed to Milton. "And keep it away from me!"

"Why me?" Ray asked.

"Because you two have so much in common," Mallory sneered. "Now take your little **friend** and get out of my sight!"

To this Milton advanced and made more toast.

"No! Go away! Shoo! Shoo!" Mallory tried to shoo Milton away but he advanced on her. "GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Milton advanced and made more toast.

"Damn it! Maybe Sterling does have a point about machine uprisings?" Mallory bristled as she tried to get away. The more she tried to leave, the more Milton followed her.

In fact Milton was following Mallory around the office. "Boy Milton can be pretty fast when he wants to be," Ray quipped.

"GET AWAY FROM ME YOU…AAAGGH!" Mallory shouted as Milton chased her. Then some toast hit her. "AHH! NOW IT'S THROWING TOAST AT ME!"

"Dukes I had something for this," Ray thought. "Something about dry bread and crumbs…"

"You're going to have something for the **unemployment office** if you don't…NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Mallory yelled as Milton chased her into her office. "AAAAAH!"

Mallory slammed the door just in time to shut Milton out. "I'M NOT COMING OUT UNTIL THAT THING IS OUT OF MY SIGHT!" She screamed.

Milton then rolled up to Ray. It made some copier sounds.

"You know Milton I think you and I will get along just fine," Ray smirked.

Milton made some toast. Ray took one and ate it. "That'll do Milton. That'll do."


End file.
